Friday, April 11, 2008

Perhaps I Am Doing Too Much

I'll admit it, there are certain things that I do in my life that can be spun into impressive feats.

"Sure, I have a blog uh huh... I also contribute to a collaborative one. It's come with some perks... party by Disney, trip to aquarium." To some who barely knows what a blog is it can sound pretty cool. The reality is lately this blog is mostly pictures of the kids, and I've been stumped for ideas at the other one.

"I work full-time, and have two kids, and read, and cook dinner most nights, and blog and try to get some exercise in." Of course 'cooking dinner' most nights means mac n cheese or chicken nuggets (more because I cave to my children's requests than because I don't have time for other stuff.) My job is pretty flexible, my husband helps a lot and my parents live 10 minutes away. It's not that hard, really. Sleeping 5 or 6 hours a night helps as well.

So I feel a bit like I have it easier than it looks. And what I consider my real problems, which I honestly feel helpless to solve but in my eyes are very serious, are way to personal to share. So perhaps I don't enlighten people because I need some compassion and sympathy, just not for what they see day to day.

But lately I've noticed something that are worrying me, causing me to think maybe I am not handling my life so well. I realize my depression is coming back. Not bad enough to need immediate intervention, but I do plan to bring it up at my next doctor's appointment. But the main concern that I can't seem to get worked up about anything that doesn't affect me or my friends directly.

I think this is made more obvious by the passion my husband feels, how badly things affect him. Yesterday he was telling me what a great day our son had, his second day of staying home sick, but he was in a good mood and had fun kicking around the soccer ball. "But I felt terrible all day," was his follow-up. "I couldn't get the story about the girls beating that other girl out of my head." That was a horrible story, for sure, but my response was to not go out of my way to learn more. I did read an article, and listened to what my husband had to say, but while I was focused on cramming in 4 hours of work when I had an eight hour class to attend, he was instructing his soccer team to just ignore peer pressure and pondering hiring a friend's 6' 3" son who's a marine to guard our kids for the next 14 years.

I selfishly wish he would stop reading these things. On his best days there are always a few things that piss him off, and the worst it's like the whole day is devoted to him getting upset over and over about some awful story, usually involving some sort of child abuse. I also don't want to hear about it, but he likes to talk. I kept telling myself it's a protective measure, since it's not like I can do anything "with all that I have on my plate" (again so I tell myself). But perhaps I've just become numb, too self-protective. I want my kids to feel, have the passion it takes to make changes in this world. I tell myself that from their dad they'll get passion, lack of embarrassment and the drive to speak up when you see something wrong. And from mom they'll get practicality, learning to protect their emotions and how to adapt to the world. But that sounds really boring.

I know it's not too late to find my passion. Perhaps I really am doing to much and it's affecting me more than I know. How do I "slow down" when I don't feel overwhelmed - yet (my job is just starting to really pick up). But who has the time or energy for that?

1 comment:

  1. The beating story upset me, but I do my best to relegate it to its proper place. When you're worried about immediate threats, that's different.